Monday, July 16, 2012

Love Avoidant Strategies in Intimacy Anorexia: The Silent rehabilitation

Physical Therapy Prerequisites - Love Avoidant Strategies in Intimacy Anorexia: The Silent rehabilitation
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Intimacy anorexia is a term coined by sexual addiction salvage master Doug Weiss to tell the active withholding of emotional, sexual and/or spiritual intimacy in the recovering couples he works with. It is my belief that intimacy anorexia is particularly virulent subcategory of a more general relational pattern best described by salvage pioneer Pia Mellody as love avoidance.

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The love avoidant-intimacy anorexic uses many blocking strategies to generate and mouth length in his relationship; the silent medicine is one of the favorites. The intimacy anorexic puts up a wall to sever the flow of meaningful communication in the relationship. While the wall kills any energy for verbal communication, the intimacy anorexic's nonverbal communication is screaming with whether icy indifference or anger: "I'm in control," "Your needs don't matter," "I'm shutting you out!"

Although women are equally capable of intimacy anorexia, in my single counseling practice the female partner is much more likely to present for help with intimacy deprivation as a result of the association walls of her intimacy anorexic spouse. Therefore, the following observations are more characteristic of the male love avoidant-intimacy anorexia association pattern.

The silent medicine can occur on a continuum. At one end of the continuum, the intimacy anorexic may at once convert the field when his partner tries to discuss something leading to her. Although the intimacy anorexic hides behind a veil of superficial words, observation that there is no verbal acknowledgement of his partner's desire to discuss a matter close to her heart. His body language communicates that there is no deeper connection; there is no emotional intimacy; she may be married, but she is alone in this relationship.

Further along the silent medicine continuum is the token monosyllabic muttering that conveys a, "I'm going to give you the bare minimum" nonverbal message. This can enlarge to physically removing himself to block any further effort at communication by his partner.

The form of silent medicine that seems to be by far the most painful to the intimacy deprived partners I counsel is the stony silence that shouts, "No matter how much bodily length is in the middle of us right now, there are miles in the middle of us in our association - and only I will resolve if that will change!" If you are the intimacy deprived partner, regardless of whether you are experiencing despair or anger, you are painfully aware of how powerless you feel over the situation.

Relationship master John Gottman considers the silent treatment, or stonewalling as he calls it, a sign of serious disturbance in a marriage. In fact, it's one of four predictors of a destabilization of the association and eventual divorce. The other three contain contempt, criticism and defensiveness.

In my experience, however, I've noticed that the love avoidant-intimacy anorexic is only superficially disturbed by the silent treatment, whether he is on the giving end or the receiving end. This is because for the intimacy anorexic the silent medicine is a tool to get what he easily wants - distance. From the anorexic's perspective, length easily stabilizes the relationship. In the swimming pool of committed relationships, the anorexic does want to be in the pool, but only wants to stay in the shallow end.

Avoiding the deep end allows the intimacy anorexic to remain in control and to remain emotionally safe. If you believe, as I do, that a willingness to be emotionally vulnerable is a prerequisite for true intimacy, then intimacy anorexia also involves an anorexia to vulnerability. The love avoidant-intimacy anorexic is unwilling to be vulnerable in whether the association itself or in attempts to improve the relationship, such as marital therapy.

This is why primary marriage therapy so often fails when intimacy anorexia is the basal culprit. The intimacy anorexic will have no real motivation to end the silent medicine because it has been victorious in creating length from his partner. Moreover, working on the issues that appear to be generating the silent medicine will be ineffective because the issues are just an excuse to use the length creating strategy.

Marriage therapists trained to treat intimacy anorexia ordinarily wish a commitment to convert the intimacy anorexic behavior before addressing the issues causing the anorexia. The basal fear can't readily be dealt with as long as the anorexic behavior is still active because the intimacy anorexia strategies help him avoid the basal fear. More importantly, insisting on behavior convert first puts an end to the ongoing intimacy deprivation of the spouse.

If your association is suffering from intimacy anorexia I urge you to seek out a consultant who understands the dynamics of love avoidance and intimacy anorexia.

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